I think I am understanding that I have less and less freewill than I originally thought. Although fascinating and not surprising, I am somewhat disturbed. But who wouldn't be thinking that they have no control. Loss of control is only nice when you can put yourself back in gear; when you can regain that which you have thrown away for just a night. Somehow I just feel wronged thinking that no matter what, my previous experiences have already set a path for me that I must hold fast to. There is no way to know if I have adhered to this predetermined destiny, but I think I have. I just really want to meet a person that tells me different. That gives me power again, because isn't that what we all seek? I am not content with myself or the life I am living. I just want something to give and for me to feel that I am on the ascend. This stagnant, stale water is almost as bad as what lies beneath it. Despite this, the more I change to what I want to be, the more I become what I don't want. Maybe it's just adjusting to this transformation, or maybe I should not be repressing this, but I am not comfortable in my own skin.
A parallel theme to this is that maybe they know how I really am. They don't know me well at all, but maybe it's like that feeling that someone else knows what you are thinking. And if that is so it must be extremely obvious that I am not my self lately. I just want an opportunity to explain myself. The force I am reckoning with will not even give me that. So these open words continue night after night and I lose sleep over this while they rest comfortably in their humble abyss.
No comments:
Post a Comment